I Cried In The Shower

This morning I cried in the shower. It was 5:00 am. My son was sleeping soundly, and the sun hadn't yet switched shifts with the moon. The translucent tears of joy seamlessly blended with the streams of water swirling down the silver drain. It was a simultaneous cleansing of body and soul.

Today marks the first day of the fall semester at Baldwin Wallace University. Today, I am officially a senior at Baldwin Wallace University. Now, to some people my status as a senior isn't newsworthy. I'm 29 years old. I already have an Associate's degree and a high school diploma. I've been a "senior" before. I've walked stages, and have already sported a cap and gown. Why is this time any different?

Well, this time it's much more significant because it is the end of my twenties. This is the end of my childishness, and the beginning of my adulthood. Also, it is the final stretch of a 12 year marathon. Yes, I've been working towards a Bachelor's degree off and on for 12 years. Now, after all these years, all of the setbacks, hardships, confusion, and rudderless decision making, here I stand.

I've once again successfully followed through with another lifelong goal. As with any marathon, there have been ups and downs. I've experienced highs and lows. Most of my disappointments came about because of me. I blame myself for not doing this sooner. I blame only me for where I am in life as far as not being stable and independent. However, like a champ I chose to stay in the ring. I've taken some hard punches to the head, gut, and chin, but I'm still standing.

I've overcome trials and tribulations. I've been in and out of relationships. My faith has been tested time and time again. I've become stronger, wiser, and more loving. I've acquired priceless knowledge about who I am and who I want to become. I've watched myself evolve from a little naive girl to a strong confident woman. I've developed a solid support system, and I'm raising a good man. Despite all that I've been through and put myself through, I must say that I am pleased with me.

In the shower, I thought about how far I've come. I became overwhelmed with love and joy. My eyes were flooded with tears and visions of my victories past, present and future. I felt God's love surrounding me. I eliminated any self doubt about my importance to Him. If I weren't loved, and special, and fearfully and wonderfully made, He wouldn't keep on blessing me. He gave me the gift of motherhood. He gave me a son. He keeps me safe from harm. He keeps me wrapped in comfort. He gives me peace amidst life's most tumultuous storms. He strengthens me. He protects me. He provides for me. He's given me another chance to get it right.

I cried tears of gratefulness, relief, and happiness. I am already equipped with everything I need to be successful. I will be able to give myself and my son the best life ever. I will reach my goals and accomplish my dreams. Even when the inevitable pain comes, I can wear a smile and keep pushing toward my vision.

I'm amazing. My flaws make me outstanding. 

At the day's end, when I come home, close the door, turn the lock, and put my son to sleep it's just me. No one else matters in those moments. No one else's opinions, judgments, or unwanted suggestions and advice means a thing when I'm by myself. I'm learning to trust myself and appreciate my wisdom. I know that I can depend on me to make the right decisions. I'm with me the most and I love who I am.

I'll be 30 when I graduate and I'm perfectly fine with that. I can only imagine the endless sobs on the first day of school compared to graduation day.

 All I can say is bring me lots of tissue.

I'm going to cry in the car, on the stage, when I see my son, when I see my mom, when I look into my big sisters' eyes holding my degree, and once again in the shower!