39 & Time

 

I didn't write a blog all 2025. Hey, don't judge! I did journal every single day of 2025 though. I chose the picture above because I was actually 38. It's a real, genuine picture of me. Not a professional business glam shot. I'm so tired of playing Mrs. Professional all the damn time. Can I just be myself for two damn seconds? The money and clients will come. The foundation has already been laid. I don't have to be extra and fancy all the damn time. That's not who I am right now. I want to help women improve their business and speaking. That's it. I've been doing well for myself and I need to give myself more grace and appreciation instead of always moving past myself and on to the next win. 

Today, I'm taking a day to do whatever I feel like doing and whatever I want to do. My word for this year is EASE. I don't want to have to chase after anything. In one of my favorite movies, "Under the Tuscan Sun," one of the characters gave a great little anecdote. She said when she was a little girl she would spend hours chasing ladybugs. She would get so exhausted that she would collapse and the nap in the meadow. When she awoke, the ladybugs would be crawling all over her. 

My life so far has been bouts and spurts of go hard then crashing out. These last 8 years have been FULL. In 2017, I graduated from undergrad finally. Three days later, I moved me and my son to Houston with my sister, brother in law and two nephews. I hit the job market, went on interviews, got hired as a sub and then earned my teaching certificate, all within six months. Then, I unexpectedly became the World Champion of Public Speaking. I resigned from teaching and traveled the world for about a year and a half. 

I started coaching, got into another serious relationship, bounced around from job to job, and gig to gig, and survived the pandemic and a winter storm in Texas. I went to the Air Force Reserve, graduated BMT, with honors, got married for the second time, attended Tech School on the Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, TX. I removed myself from the military, returned to my job as a Donor Development Specialist with a company called Pathways. I eventually quit. I started doing reels, and the person I shouldn't have married and I experienced some success with several viral reels. He went back to school mostly on my dime, and then I traveled to Abu Dhabi and when I returned we broke up. During the break up, I got a job with the City of Missouri City as a Community Engagement Coordinator. 

When we reconciled, I quit that job too. We eventually divorced. I did a short film in. Houston called "Say What." I lived with my good friend Becky off and on between our breakups. I auditioned for another short film in Houston called "Them People." I landed the role alongside my current partner. I moved from Becky's into my own place. The Ravella at Sienna. That will forever be my favorite "first" apartment. All the amenities in a beautiful neighborhood in Missouri City. Granite counters, huge bathroom with a jacuzzi tub. Just beautiful. I bought the fanciest kitchenware, my own full sized bed, carpet and a Shark vacuum. I landed a job as an Admissions Counselor with Fulshear, and I furnished my place and made it extremely comfortable with the stainless steel appliances and balcony. 

I quit Fulshear. Still speaking and coaching. Started dating my current partner seriously. Hosted my son for the summer. I had some financial setbacks, but I recovered thank God. I moved in with my partner in September of 2024. We moved to Los Angeles in January of 2025. It was a tough year, and a great year. Here we are a year later. In our own cozy little place in KoreaTown. I've had two jobs since coming to L.A. Both in retail at Sprouts as a Self-Check Out clerk, and Monos as a Team Lead. I quit both.

I keep quitting jobs because I shouldn't be getting them in the first place. FEAR is the reason why I kept toggling back and forth between self-employment and unemployment. If I keep repeating the same patterns I will get nowhere. This time, I'm dedicated to pushing through the fear and going with the flow. Whatever comes with it, I'm going to buckle down, grin, and bear it.I must, unless I want to be stuck in the same pattern of get a job, quit a job, work for myself, get scared that I won't be able to pay my bills, then frantically search for a job again. That's dead. I have to trust myself and I have to trust that God hasn't brought me this far just to bring me this far. I have to surrender to my true calling and accept whatever comes with it. I'm not afraid anymore. I embrace the uncertainty, and I can't wait to see what's on the other side.

Giving up has never gotten me anywhere. There are somethings that I don't regret giving up on including the military, dead end jobs, and bad relationships. But I know now that making lifelong commitments to anything or anyone is not going to be easy all the time. You have to learn how to ride the waves. Everything isn't worth giving up. Some things are more rewarding if you actually see them through. Learning to love myself was worth it. Completing college was worth it. Attending Toastmasters meetings and becoming the WCPS was worth it. This relationship has been worth it. Traveling the world has been worth it. Staying true to my life's calling will be worth it too. I usually fold after a few months. I won't allow myself to do it this time. For several reasons.

1. This time I have a partner to help.
2. I'm not afraid to ask for help.
3. I have so many receipts to show me that I can and will succeed even though I can't see how when I think about the future.
4. I have some side hustles and gigs that have some through.
5. I'm wiser, a much better money manager, and a much larger money magnet.

I'm going to trust myself and my God this time. I'll be 39 on this coming Friday. At 39, I thought I would be a homeowner with a Master's degree, married, and making six figures or close to it. That's not my truth. At 39, I'm a five figure earner, soon to be married, renter, with an BA and AA, freshly new to L.A. I'm not unhappy at all. But I do have more work to do. Cheers to 39. And even if I can't see all I've accomplished over the years I know for sure that I'm not a failure, and that the best is yet to come.