I'm Ugly

Kanye West once said in a song, "The prettiest people do the ugliest things..." Physical beauty can be a blessing and a curse. It's all about perception anyway. There are some men that honestly don't think that Beyonce is the sexiest woman alive. There are some women who don't think Idris Elba is fine at all. As a woman who has been told she's beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, cute, pretty, etc. I don't always feel that way. My self esteem rises and falls like the sun. Some days I feel like a royal reigning queen. Other days I feel like a bag lady with leprosy. Being recently divorced, took an extreme toll on my self esteem. I felt like I lost my validation when my marriage ended.

This is not the first time I've felt low. Many times after feeling rejected by the opposite sex, I tend to go down an emotional slide and feel less than. Since I started dating, I never really had an understanding of men, what I expect from them or what expectations I had of myself when interacting with men. I never really had any solid standards, and I never had a father to show me how a man is supposed to treat a lady. At 20+ I don't blame my father for my failed marriage or other unsuccessful relationships. But I do know that the lack of morals, values and examples from a household with both parents on one accord continues to affect my dealings with men. If I want to be successful in the future, I need to address the past.

I've started therapy recently.  I enjoy learning myself and bettering myself through self-awareness and action. My goal with therapy is to figure out why I cannot have stable intimate relationships with men. Intimate as in close emotionally, spiritually and physically. I can't point the finger at my exes. It would be foolish and borderline crazy to say that I was innocent and it was all the other person's fault when a relationship ended. It's time for me to look at the patterns, rearrange my life, and get to the root of it all so that I can change.

Things changed a lot for me once I had a child. I want the best for my son and I refuse to bring men in and out of his life because of my issues. He already knows about my ex husband. That's more than enough. I wish all he'd known was his dad. I don't plan on being in a relationship anytime soon, and I don't feel like any guy I'm just dating is worthy of creating an emotional bond with my child. I have to protect my child from the same hurts I experienced as a child.

One valuable lesson I am learning is that I am worthy, and I am enough. I do deserve to be treated the way I teach someone to treat me. I'm worthy of good morning and good night texts, not GMs and GNs. I am worthy to receive fresh flowers every 15 days. I am worth a call rather than a text. And if someone doesn't agree that I'm worthy, then he is not worth my time. I'm having to learn that loneliness may be inevitable. I'm learning that I don't need a man to make me complete. I'm learning that I can take care of myself, that I don't have to get with a man just so he can take care of me.

These are lessons I'm learning, but it will still take time to break old patterns and behaviors and break chains. Some days I have to look in the mirror when I'm talking to a man on the phone to remind myself of who I am. Sometimes I have to crack open the very book that I wrote to remind myself to Shine Sistah Shine. Some nights I feel sad, abandoned and ugly. But when I rise I thank God, look in the mirror, and take one more baby step towards becoming a better me.

Sometimes it's hard being a woman. A broken woman, a woman with scars, a woman with a past. But the beauty of it all is, I'm not the only woman who feels this way. Halle Berry, Marilyn Monroe, Aaliyah, even Maya Angelou and Michelle Obama have had days where they felt ugly. The most important part of beauty is where it lies. My slanted eyes will one day have wrinkles in the corners. My jet black curls will one day be gray strands of wisdom. My breasts won't stay high and full. My slim figure will eventually fill out, and skin will loosen and sag. Yet, the grace in my smile, the warmth of my heart, the power of my words, and the confidence in my walk will keep my beauty timeless. The evolution of my writing, the expansion of my vernacular, and the ability to express my life experiences verbally and poetically makes me forever young.