I Hate Myself
Although I didn't know it, I hated myself for a long time... I used to always hear people tell me that after a break up I needed to "love myself" instead of jumping into another relationship. I never listened. I never knew what that meant. No one showed me how to love myself, or explained to me how to do it. I was simply told to love myself period. Not very helpful...
I often felt validated and complete when I was in a relationship. I remember after one of my breakups during my teenage years, I seriously felt like my life was over because I was no longer with that man everyday. I often confused love with lust, control and pain. I honestly believed that the more drama you went through with a person the stronger the relationship would become. I also truly believed that sex would make a man want to be with me. Stupid right? Well, ignorance is bliss and I was completely oblivious to the fact that giving a man sex too soon will usually drive him away.
As beautiful and attractive as I know I am today, before my 20's I never thought of myself as pretty. I had never considered myself smart or talented or anything out of the ordinary. I didn't understand my value. I didn't know my worth. Low self-esteem mixed with low self-control is a deadly cocktail. I made many bad choices for "love," and fell for the wrong guy over and over again.
Until I had my son I never knew what love was. I never cared to explore the true definition of love, and I never felt deep feelings of true love before Ryan came to this Earth. The first time I realized I was truly in love, was the day I finally left my son's father. We'd always had a dysfunctional relationship, but to me that was completely normal. When Ryan was about 2 or 3 weeks old, we'd gotten into a heated argument. At that point, something clicked inside of my soul. It was an immense feeling of protection. I decided that I did not want my child growing up in an unhealthy environment. I also felt that if I was unhappy, there was no way I could be the best Mommy I could be to my baby boy. I moved in with my Godparents, and haven't looked back since.
My late 20's have been so amazing. As I mature, I'm learning to love myself more and more everyday. I'm finally learning from my mistakes and seeking out solutions to make myself better. Self love to me is about knowing full well who I am, and whose I am. Knowing that I am a creation of the Most High gives me confidence to keep shining through all of my darkness. Seeing tangible evidence of my accomplishments reminds me that I am smart, and gifted, talented and unique. I am a hard worker and a kind woman. Loving myself means making me happy. It means respecting myself mind, body and soul. It means forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, and pushing myself to the limit in order to reach my goals.
I don't need a man, or anyone else to validate my beauty and intelligence. I don't need a man to come into my life, take care of me like I'm a child, and be his dependent. I have the talent, skills, ability, and ambition to get my education, get into a purposeful well paying career, and slowly but surely adequately and abundantly provide for myself and my son.
I never asked myself what I could bring to the table in a relationship. I never had any standards. I always went into relationships clinging so hard to the other person and being blinded by so called love. I would look past the naked pictures of women in his cell phone. I would sweep under the rug being choked on the elevator. I would deny all of the other women calling and texting and sending emails. I would overlook the fact that I'm a faithful church goer but he'd rather stay home and watch the game. I ignored the red flags because I didn't want to be alone.
It's funny because this was mostly before I had Ryan. I was a hot commodity because I was beautiful, talented, educated, and ambitious with no children. Yet, for some reason I was so desperate for attention and insecure about not being wanted. Some of my insecurities became fears as I got a little older.
After having Ryan, I knew I was beautiful, I knew I deserved respect, and I knew I would never settle for anything or anyone in a relationship. However, after being at my Godparents house for two years with nothing to call my own (no house, no car, no job) I felt like I couldn't be an independent woman. I felt like I needed a man to be my protector and my provider. And my ex-husband was exactly what I thought I needed to become whole once and for all.
HE was financially stable. HE had a great job with great benefits. HE had a car and a place. HE served in the USMC and received many benefits from his service. HE, HE, HE... But what did I bring to the table? A pretty face and a little boy. That was all. My husband and I were not in love when we got married. I married for stability. I can't say for sure, but I'll assume that he married for the role, the title of husband. That's why my marriage crumbled after a few months and ended within a year. True love starts with self love. Why should I even enter into a relationship with nothing to give to the other person?
I don't mean material things. I mean significance, support, motivation, help, inspiration and most important... LOVE. But the key to a healthy long lasting relationship is; having two people who love themselves completely, come together and love one another as they love themselves. I can only compare the love I'm learning to have for myself and the love I have for my son with the love I'll give to my next husband. I make that comparison because I know it's true love. (It's two different ways of showing love, but still love.)
Ways I show my son love:
I don't disrespect my son, I don't curse at him or abuse him or mistreat him. I give my son his freedom. I don't try to hog up all of his time, I let him play, and I let him spend lots of time with his other family members.
I fulfill his needs. Although he is extremely independent, there are some things he needs help with. I encourage him instead of belittling him. I affirm him daily. I tell him he's smart and handsome, and I praise him out loud with passion when he is doing something correctly or doing something nice. I teach him how to treat me. I don't allow him to talk to me any kind of way. Anyone who has met my son knows he says Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am. I teach him new things. I pour education into him. I enhance his God given skills. I look out for him. I don't put him in harmful and unsafe situations. I think about his future and what I can do to enhance it. I'm affectionate towards him. I hang out with him. We color, dance, go to Sky Zone and Chuck E. Cheese together. I give him the very best, you won't see me in Gucci and Chanel and my son looking raggedy.
Those are just a few of the ways I can give love, because I love myself.
Self love allows me to not fall for any random guy that calls me sexy and takes me on a fancy date. Because of the love and confidence I have within myself, I know one day I'll accomplish great things and be successful. Self love allows me to set boundaries and have standards. Self love allows me to wake up every morning and be proud of the divorced, car less, financially unstable, weight gaining 28 year old woman that I am. I LOVE MYSELF.
I often felt validated and complete when I was in a relationship. I remember after one of my breakups during my teenage years, I seriously felt like my life was over because I was no longer with that man everyday. I often confused love with lust, control and pain. I honestly believed that the more drama you went through with a person the stronger the relationship would become. I also truly believed that sex would make a man want to be with me. Stupid right? Well, ignorance is bliss and I was completely oblivious to the fact that giving a man sex too soon will usually drive him away.
As beautiful and attractive as I know I am today, before my 20's I never thought of myself as pretty. I had never considered myself smart or talented or anything out of the ordinary. I didn't understand my value. I didn't know my worth. Low self-esteem mixed with low self-control is a deadly cocktail. I made many bad choices for "love," and fell for the wrong guy over and over again.
Until I had my son I never knew what love was. I never cared to explore the true definition of love, and I never felt deep feelings of true love before Ryan came to this Earth. The first time I realized I was truly in love, was the day I finally left my son's father. We'd always had a dysfunctional relationship, but to me that was completely normal. When Ryan was about 2 or 3 weeks old, we'd gotten into a heated argument. At that point, something clicked inside of my soul. It was an immense feeling of protection. I decided that I did not want my child growing up in an unhealthy environment. I also felt that if I was unhappy, there was no way I could be the best Mommy I could be to my baby boy. I moved in with my Godparents, and haven't looked back since.
My late 20's have been so amazing. As I mature, I'm learning to love myself more and more everyday. I'm finally learning from my mistakes and seeking out solutions to make myself better. Self love to me is about knowing full well who I am, and whose I am. Knowing that I am a creation of the Most High gives me confidence to keep shining through all of my darkness. Seeing tangible evidence of my accomplishments reminds me that I am smart, and gifted, talented and unique. I am a hard worker and a kind woman. Loving myself means making me happy. It means respecting myself mind, body and soul. It means forgiving myself, being gentle with myself, and pushing myself to the limit in order to reach my goals.
I don't need a man, or anyone else to validate my beauty and intelligence. I don't need a man to come into my life, take care of me like I'm a child, and be his dependent. I have the talent, skills, ability, and ambition to get my education, get into a purposeful well paying career, and slowly but surely adequately and abundantly provide for myself and my son.
I never asked myself what I could bring to the table in a relationship. I never had any standards. I always went into relationships clinging so hard to the other person and being blinded by so called love. I would look past the naked pictures of women in his cell phone. I would sweep under the rug being choked on the elevator. I would deny all of the other women calling and texting and sending emails. I would overlook the fact that I'm a faithful church goer but he'd rather stay home and watch the game. I ignored the red flags because I didn't want to be alone.
It's funny because this was mostly before I had Ryan. I was a hot commodity because I was beautiful, talented, educated, and ambitious with no children. Yet, for some reason I was so desperate for attention and insecure about not being wanted. Some of my insecurities became fears as I got a little older.
After having Ryan, I knew I was beautiful, I knew I deserved respect, and I knew I would never settle for anything or anyone in a relationship. However, after being at my Godparents house for two years with nothing to call my own (no house, no car, no job) I felt like I couldn't be an independent woman. I felt like I needed a man to be my protector and my provider. And my ex-husband was exactly what I thought I needed to become whole once and for all.
HE was financially stable. HE had a great job with great benefits. HE had a car and a place. HE served in the USMC and received many benefits from his service. HE, HE, HE... But what did I bring to the table? A pretty face and a little boy. That was all. My husband and I were not in love when we got married. I married for stability. I can't say for sure, but I'll assume that he married for the role, the title of husband. That's why my marriage crumbled after a few months and ended within a year. True love starts with self love. Why should I even enter into a relationship with nothing to give to the other person?
I don't mean material things. I mean significance, support, motivation, help, inspiration and most important... LOVE. But the key to a healthy long lasting relationship is; having two people who love themselves completely, come together and love one another as they love themselves. I can only compare the love I'm learning to have for myself and the love I have for my son with the love I'll give to my next husband. I make that comparison because I know it's true love. (It's two different ways of showing love, but still love.)
Ways I show my son love:
I don't disrespect my son, I don't curse at him or abuse him or mistreat him. I give my son his freedom. I don't try to hog up all of his time, I let him play, and I let him spend lots of time with his other family members.
I fulfill his needs. Although he is extremely independent, there are some things he needs help with. I encourage him instead of belittling him. I affirm him daily. I tell him he's smart and handsome, and I praise him out loud with passion when he is doing something correctly or doing something nice. I teach him how to treat me. I don't allow him to talk to me any kind of way. Anyone who has met my son knows he says Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am. I teach him new things. I pour education into him. I enhance his God given skills. I look out for him. I don't put him in harmful and unsafe situations. I think about his future and what I can do to enhance it. I'm affectionate towards him. I hang out with him. We color, dance, go to Sky Zone and Chuck E. Cheese together. I give him the very best, you won't see me in Gucci and Chanel and my son looking raggedy.
Those are just a few of the ways I can give love, because I love myself.
Self love allows me to not fall for any random guy that calls me sexy and takes me on a fancy date. Because of the love and confidence I have within myself, I know one day I'll accomplish great things and be successful. Self love allows me to set boundaries and have standards. Self love allows me to wake up every morning and be proud of the divorced, car less, financially unstable, weight gaining 28 year old woman that I am. I LOVE MYSELF.
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