Foster Kids

Annie makes being a foster kid look fun and exciting. Aside from a mean drunken foster mom, her hard knock life doesn't seem so bad at all. She has foster sisters who can sing and dance at the snap of a finger. She has the freedom to move about the streets of New York on bike or foot. She even had a streak of good luck when she "ran in to" Mr. Stacks. Until reading two books by authors who were in the foster care system, I had no idea what being a foster kid was like.

Everyones story is different. No two people in any situation will have the exact same experiences. However, in both books about foster care that I read the emotions and circumstances were similar.

I didn't have the perfect father. He didn't even sign my birth certificate. But I knew him. He was there at my birth, he was around when I was a baby, and he's been present in my life. He not have been a provider or a responsible leader, but I know he loves me and I could spend time with him whenever I wanted to. I couldn't imagine not meeting my father until I was a teenager. I could not imagine not knowing who my father was, or never meeting him at all. I've learned that many foster kids either go through life searching for their biological families, or go through life all alone.

In Ohio, when a child is born out of wedlock, the mother is the automatic custodial parent. The laws are in favor of the mother, and unless she is proven to be mentally ill, on drugs or physically abusive it is hard to remove her children from her home. I don't know the ins and outs of custodial rights, but I do know that if the mother is unfit, of if the home is an unsafe environment for the child, the state can take custody of the child. Once that happens the child is put in foster care.

Foster care is intended to be temporary. That statement scares me. How can moving a child around to a new place with a new family unexpectedly, year after year be beneficial to a child? I know for a fact that stability is one thing a child needs in order to feel confident and safe. In both books there were times when the authors had to pack their things and go live with a new "family." These families are strangers in reality.

These are people that they've never met before and they have to forget the norms they've created in their previous homes and adjust to new rules, a new house, a new neighborhood, and new personalities. And guess what, it's another temporary situation. I wonder if the children in foster care understand that each household he or she is placed in is not permanent unless he or she gets adopted. Is that the caseworkers job to tell the child? Or do the children hear it from their foster parents or foster siblings?

Some of those foster parents are terrible! Maybe they go in with good intentions, but when they realize how stressful it is raising someone else's child they take it out on the foster child. I know that every foster parent is not abusive and neglectful. I also know that some of them are. Some foster parents are abusive in every way, some show favoritism among the children, and some only become a foster parent for the monthly payments. It's difficult for me to hear these true stories about young children going through these things.

I feel saddened when I think about how some children in foster care may feel. Do they feel unwanted? Do they feel unloved? Do they feel abandoned and alone? Do they silently question why their parents gave them up or lost custody? Do they ask the question why me? What happens once they turn 18 and "age out" of the system? How will they ever find stability? It's impossible for me to empathize when I've never been in foster care. It actually makes me appreciate my parents more.

I often complain about how my parents should have done more for me in my childhood. I wish they would've spent more quality time with me boosting my confidence and preparing me for the world early. However, I can say that I was never homeless. I never had to live in a shelter. We always had food, my mom always had a vehicle, and she kept a job. Even my father always had an apartment and a job. We didn't have every single thing we wanted, but Lord knows my mother always provided every thing we needed.

My mother never threatened to abandon us and she never gave up on being a mother because of bad circumstances. I'm thankful for my mother's willingness to take care of her children as a single teen mom. I know it had to be hard and sometimes confusing. I bet there were probably times when she felt like giving up, but she hung in there. Some parents just can't handle parenthood for whatever reason.

Just like some people can't handle the military, or some people can't manage a business, I believe that some people aren't mentally able to be responsible for other humans. It's a huge responsibility. It's a 24 hour job. It's very stressful and can be worrisome and a struggle for unprepared parents with little to no support financially and emotionally. 

I guess I'm grateful for the foster care system. If this system wasn't in place, where would children in unsafe homes go? 

I do agree that before a person has sex and gets pregnant or gets someone pregnant that he or she should be ready to be responsible for the child. However, there are a long list of negative cycles taking place in people's lives that don't always allow for this type of preparation. 

My prayer is for the foster care system to continue to improve, and for more people who grew up in foster care to share their stories and raise awareness about the issues that they've faced when they were in the foster care system.

I'll conclude with this: One of the authors told me that she doesn't consider herself or other kids in the foster care system defined by the title of "foster kid." She said something like being in the system doesn't control who you become, You're still a person who happened to be in foster care. Don't get stuck in a title and let it define who you are or who you become in this world.

What are your thoughts and comments about the foster care system?