Late Nights

"Late nights I can't even sleep. I'm just thinkin bout what I'm tryin to be..." 

I wrote those words on a late night similar to this one. I cannot sleep. It's pretty late to me because I have to rise at 6:30 a.m, get myself and my son dressed, make breakfast, pack snacks, and get out the door before 7:55 a.m. I should be sleeping. Lately, in the past 4-6 months, I've been suffering from mild insomnia. I just simply cannot fall asleep. My brain activity is on 10, and my body won't shut down if my mind is racing. I'm not stressed, I just have a lot on my mind. I often think about school, my future, my dreams, my goals, and projects that I want to complete. The thoughts weigh heavily on my mind and keep me awake all hours of the night.

I decided to blog because it's therapeutic to write out some of my inner thoughts. It clears some mental space. Maybe once I finish this post I'll be able to fall asleep. I
have so much on my mind. Questions, Questions like:

1.) How is life going to be after I leave school?
2.) Will I find the job that best fits me?
3.) How will I know how to survive on my own?
4.) Am I ready to be an independent, self-sufficient adult?
5.) What happens if things don't turn out the way I've planned?
6.) Will I ever be successful?
7.) Will I be able to give my son the best life ever?
8.) Do I want anymore children even though they'll have different fathers?
9.) Will I ever find my happily ever after?
10.) Am I walking in my purpose, or doing things the way I think other people want me to?

I'm reading a book by Wayne Dyer called Your Erroneous Zones. Erroneous means wrong. The book goes over the areas in our lives that are holding us back from complete happiness and inner peace. Worry is one of my erroneous zones, as well as guilt. The book talks about how worrying wastes present moments. It talks about how guilt doesn't change anything, and how people use guilt to manipulate others. Here are the top five thoughts that contribute to my worries and guilt:

1.) The health of my son.
2.) Not being successful.
3.) My past mistakes.
4.) Never finding and keeping true romantic love.
5.) Getting stuck in the cycle of poverty.

In the book Dyer stated that most of the things we worry about never happen, so why waste time and energy by worrying?

As with any improvement, it will take practice to break old habits. I honestly don't consider myself a worrywart. I shift my negative thoughts to positive. I am optimistic and hopeful most of the time. Yet, sometimes I become impatient and dissatisfied when things don't go my way.

I also wrote, "Had way too much Chardonnay. Gotta find solutions make a way. I'm just thinkin bout my future, tryin not to get used to mediocrity. I'm worried about things I can't control. I need to get a hold of myself." 

The truth is no one knows what the future holds, and worrying is not going to reveal the unknown. While I lie awake staring into the darkness, I'm hoping for a bright future. The pressure is on me because I really want to be somebody. I can't stay where I am forever. I have a stomach rumbling hunger for success. The only one who can stop me is me. I've never felt this much pressure before in my life. I HAVE to succeed. It's not an option. I have to pave the way for my son. He motivates me.

I guess I'll try to get some sleep now...

Honestly, these Late Nights aren't so bad. At least I've been a bit productive.

What do you do when you can't sleep at night?