Maybe I Deserve

Maybe I do deserve great life...

Lately I've been worried and stressing more than usual. I have been thinking about the new responsibilities that I have the honor of fulfilling. I am a mother, I am a future home owner, and I am a school teacher. I often look around and ask myself how did this all happen?

As a Capricorn woman, I thrive in a stable environment. Currently, I'm stable. Yet, I'm not at the level of stability that will ease my mind. I've been accustomed to frivolous spending most of my life. As a newly independent woman, I must now be mindful of every dollar and cent that enters and exits my wallet.

I have been feeling fearful. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to adequately provide for myself and my son. Independence scares me. When the fear creeps in, my mind instantly jumps back to the past, when I had nothing. Most of my life has been in survival mode. I feel like a soldier who has been fighting in a war for 30 years. Now that the war is over, I am trying to adjust to this new level of normalcy. I have PTSD in a sense.

I feel like my guard is constantly up. Sometimes I find myself waiting, anticipating the next struggle. I have to change my brain patterns. I have to embrace this new lifestyle. I must trust myself and trust the process. I have to believe that maybe I do deserve a life that is free from constant strife.

Maybe I deserve a salary that will thrust up my socioeconomic status.

Maybe I deserve to live in a big beautiful home furnished like it's right out of HGTV.

Maybe I deserve to not have to tell my son no in malls and grocery stores.

Maybe I deserve to travel and show my son the world.

Maybe I deserve an overflowing savings account, retirement account, Roth IRA and 529 savings.

Maybe I deserve a loving husband who is my best friend and the love of my life.

Why do I feel so undeserving of happiness and financial abundance? Why do I feel undeserving of true love? These are questions that I must answer within myself. My life is changing for the better. Maybe I do deserve a great life...