I Didn't Kill My Baby's Daddy
These past fifteen days have been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. Just six months after I thought cancer would never be brought up again, here it comes not once, but twice more. When my two year old son was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor called an Ependymoma in August of 2014, I had no idea how or why. As a parent who had tried to do everything right, I was confused and shocked that my perfect kid had brain cancer. Yet, after a successful tumor resection at Rainbow Babies & Children's Hospital I was optimistic that my son was fine and back to normal. Unfortunately, January 28, 2015 during a routine MRI, the oncologists and radiologists discovered that the tumor had begun to grow back. Not only would my son need a second brain surgery, but he'd need to follow the surgery with 6 weeks of radiation.
Now, there was a 50/50 chance that the tumor would grow back but, in my mind we were supposed to be apart of the lucky 50 percent. Clearly, we were not. During the few weeks between the MRI and the surgery, I tried to mentally prepare myself. Unlike the first surgery which was emergency surgery after finding out about the tumor out of the blue, this time I thought it would be much easier to cope. My thoughts deceived me. February 20, 2015 we checked back into Rainbow for my son's second crainiotomy. Once they took my son back into surgery my emotions began to flood. I tried to steer my mind away from any negative thoughts of death and disaster, but it was a challenge. I even watched the procedure on YouTube. Having a crainiotomy is serious business. Not only would they be opening his skull to dig in his brain, they'd have to cut and burn through all the skin and scalp to get there. My little baby boy having to go through all of that just about killed me. Thankfully, I had dozens of friends and family members there to support me and wait with me until the surgery was complete.
When the neurosurgeon arrived into the waiting room, she bursted in with so much confidence that I thought she'd just finished the best surgery of her life. She said everything went well and she felt like she had gotten all of the tumor out of his brain. Hearing those words and seeing her in such good spirits eased my mind. I couldn't wait for my son to heal in a few days so we could be back home.
The next day, they did another MRI. It showed more tumor hidden inside my son's brain ventricles.
They would have to perform yet another surgery on my baby in just two days in order to get that part of the tumor out.
In my mind, I had lost all confidence and all hope in the doctors. First, they told me the tumor wouldn't grow back. Then they told me it was all out after a second surgery. Now they're telling me they need to crack my baby's head open a third time in only a matter of days... What's a mother to do? What's more, the third surgery could cause his brain fluid to leak which would mean he'd have to get a permanent drainage tube implanted under his skin running from his brain to his stomach. It's called a shunt. I hate that word.
My son healed quickly from the second surgery. He had the surgery Friday afternoon, by Tuesday he was running wild in the hospital's play room.
The third surgery went as planned. Once again, the neurosurgeon came in beaming with confidence. With a stone face I waited for the bad news. There wasn't any. She was certain she got out all of the tumor this time. But my son would have to be bed ridden for about a week, with a drain coming out of his head. The shunt would not be needed at this time, depending on how his body handled the internal drainage.
My son is miraculous. When all of this happened, I asked God why. Why my innocent and perfect child?
Then once my son was healed I again asked God why. Why did he choose to spare my baby's life when kids die from cancer, surgery and complications linked to both daily?
He answered by saying, "Because I'm God. Trust me, everything I do is planned to perfection. I chose you two because you both are strong enough to go through this and bring people closer to me. I got you. I made you, both of you. And I love you."
We were in the hospital for 15 days. During these 15 days my son's father and I were forced to let go of all the petty differences between us. For those 15 days we were best friends because only us truly knew what the other was experiencing. We hadn't hugged for years, yet we shared several embraces and shed many tears together. I didn't kill him. Once we put our focus on the true purpose nothing else mattered. I even met his estranged father for the first time.
This experience has tied many loose ends. I doubt if my son will remember too much of this, but I'll never forget. He's back to his normal, perfect self. Please believe I will continue to pour endless knowledge and love into my child and as he grows he will only get smarter, wiser, stronger and cuter. I can't begin to thank everyone who prayed, stopped by, called, emailed, text, and gave to me during this time. My job even raised over $700 for us while I'm out on medical leave.
Hardships strengthen us, encourage us, and bring us altogether. Thank God for the tough times because it makes the smooth times feel so good. Peace
Now, there was a 50/50 chance that the tumor would grow back but, in my mind we were supposed to be apart of the lucky 50 percent. Clearly, we were not. During the few weeks between the MRI and the surgery, I tried to mentally prepare myself. Unlike the first surgery which was emergency surgery after finding out about the tumor out of the blue, this time I thought it would be much easier to cope. My thoughts deceived me. February 20, 2015 we checked back into Rainbow for my son's second crainiotomy. Once they took my son back into surgery my emotions began to flood. I tried to steer my mind away from any negative thoughts of death and disaster, but it was a challenge. I even watched the procedure on YouTube. Having a crainiotomy is serious business. Not only would they be opening his skull to dig in his brain, they'd have to cut and burn through all the skin and scalp to get there. My little baby boy having to go through all of that just about killed me. Thankfully, I had dozens of friends and family members there to support me and wait with me until the surgery was complete.
When the neurosurgeon arrived into the waiting room, she bursted in with so much confidence that I thought she'd just finished the best surgery of her life. She said everything went well and she felt like she had gotten all of the tumor out of his brain. Hearing those words and seeing her in such good spirits eased my mind. I couldn't wait for my son to heal in a few days so we could be back home.
The next day, they did another MRI. It showed more tumor hidden inside my son's brain ventricles.
They would have to perform yet another surgery on my baby in just two days in order to get that part of the tumor out.
In my mind, I had lost all confidence and all hope in the doctors. First, they told me the tumor wouldn't grow back. Then they told me it was all out after a second surgery. Now they're telling me they need to crack my baby's head open a third time in only a matter of days... What's a mother to do? What's more, the third surgery could cause his brain fluid to leak which would mean he'd have to get a permanent drainage tube implanted under his skin running from his brain to his stomach. It's called a shunt. I hate that word.
My son healed quickly from the second surgery. He had the surgery Friday afternoon, by Tuesday he was running wild in the hospital's play room.
The third surgery went as planned. Once again, the neurosurgeon came in beaming with confidence. With a stone face I waited for the bad news. There wasn't any. She was certain she got out all of the tumor this time. But my son would have to be bed ridden for about a week, with a drain coming out of his head. The shunt would not be needed at this time, depending on how his body handled the internal drainage.
My son is miraculous. When all of this happened, I asked God why. Why my innocent and perfect child?
Then once my son was healed I again asked God why. Why did he choose to spare my baby's life when kids die from cancer, surgery and complications linked to both daily?
He answered by saying, "Because I'm God. Trust me, everything I do is planned to perfection. I chose you two because you both are strong enough to go through this and bring people closer to me. I got you. I made you, both of you. And I love you."
We were in the hospital for 15 days. During these 15 days my son's father and I were forced to let go of all the petty differences between us. For those 15 days we were best friends because only us truly knew what the other was experiencing. We hadn't hugged for years, yet we shared several embraces and shed many tears together. I didn't kill him. Once we put our focus on the true purpose nothing else mattered. I even met his estranged father for the first time.
This experience has tied many loose ends. I doubt if my son will remember too much of this, but I'll never forget. He's back to his normal, perfect self. Please believe I will continue to pour endless knowledge and love into my child and as he grows he will only get smarter, wiser, stronger and cuter. I can't begin to thank everyone who prayed, stopped by, called, emailed, text, and gave to me during this time. My job even raised over $700 for us while I'm out on medical leave.
Hardships strengthen us, encourage us, and bring us altogether. Thank God for the tough times because it makes the smooth times feel so good. Peace
There is always a lesson in everything that happens in our lives. God will continue to bless you Mona and Ryan! Trust in Him, even during the difficult times.
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