King of Sorrow
Blogging everyday has it's down side. Instead of doing perky positive writings a few times a month, I'm giving my views and feelings on a topic every 24 hours. I apologize if some of these posts are downers. This is a rough time in my life, and I'm running out of fake smiles to throw on before walking out the door. I do know however, that there are many other people who can relate to a season of loss, heartache and pain at one time or another during their lives.
I'm learning that everyone has a story, not just me. I actually met a mom at the hospital the other day who had gone through a similar situation as mine. It was very relieving and encouraging to know that someone, somewhere truly understood my feelings. Feelings of confusion, sadness, guilt, anger and depression. There is nothing anyone can say to take away the sadness I feel. There aren't enough scriptures in the Bible, Torah or Quran to ease the pain of seeing my son go through all of this. Prayers aren't numbing the feelings, and alcohol just makes it worse.
The worst part of it all is never knowing if it will ever end. This tumor could continue to grow back month after month, year after year, even after surgeries and radiation. Although my sons' last radiation treatment is May 11th, I can't get too excited. If the tumor grows back again, we'll be back at square one. Everyone keeps saying think positive and stay strong. They keep saying "no, the tumor won't grow back don't even think like that." Well folks, thinking positive and being all chipper like there's nothing wrong didn't work the first time. How will I know if it will be of any help this time?
People never know what you're really going through unless they've experienced it. No one can tell me how or what to feel while my child is under a strangers care for hours at a time unconscious on a surgery table. I'm not in there, I don't know what they're doing to my baby. Where did this tumor even come from? Vaccinations? The vacuum used to suck him out during delivery? It could not have just come out of nowhere. Why don't these professionals have any answers to my questions? I have unanswered questions, they keep collecting fat checks after cracking my sons head open, and radiating his little head.
What do I do if this thing repeats itself? I can't work. I don't have a husband to support me financially or emotionally. What about my dreams?
I always think about how much worse it could be. I just found out one of my school mates has a son with cerebral palsy who's in a wheel chair.
I don't know what to think anymore. I just keep waking up every morning and trying to get through the day without thinking myself into the nut house.
My son is doing great. It's me who's falling apart.
I'm learning that everyone has a story, not just me. I actually met a mom at the hospital the other day who had gone through a similar situation as mine. It was very relieving and encouraging to know that someone, somewhere truly understood my feelings. Feelings of confusion, sadness, guilt, anger and depression. There is nothing anyone can say to take away the sadness I feel. There aren't enough scriptures in the Bible, Torah or Quran to ease the pain of seeing my son go through all of this. Prayers aren't numbing the feelings, and alcohol just makes it worse.
The worst part of it all is never knowing if it will ever end. This tumor could continue to grow back month after month, year after year, even after surgeries and radiation. Although my sons' last radiation treatment is May 11th, I can't get too excited. If the tumor grows back again, we'll be back at square one. Everyone keeps saying think positive and stay strong. They keep saying "no, the tumor won't grow back don't even think like that." Well folks, thinking positive and being all chipper like there's nothing wrong didn't work the first time. How will I know if it will be of any help this time?
People never know what you're really going through unless they've experienced it. No one can tell me how or what to feel while my child is under a strangers care for hours at a time unconscious on a surgery table. I'm not in there, I don't know what they're doing to my baby. Where did this tumor even come from? Vaccinations? The vacuum used to suck him out during delivery? It could not have just come out of nowhere. Why don't these professionals have any answers to my questions? I have unanswered questions, they keep collecting fat checks after cracking my sons head open, and radiating his little head.
What do I do if this thing repeats itself? I can't work. I don't have a husband to support me financially or emotionally. What about my dreams?
I always think about how much worse it could be. I just found out one of my school mates has a son with cerebral palsy who's in a wheel chair.
I don't know what to think anymore. I just keep waking up every morning and trying to get through the day without thinking myself into the nut house.
My son is doing great. It's me who's falling apart.
A king once asked a wise man, "How can I stay focused in life? When good things happen I get super excited and when bad things happens I find myself really depressed." The wise man responded, "Good or bad, these 4 words will always remain true: This too, shall pass."
ReplyDeleteThis may be a future tat! The storm always passes. I just get so caught up in the sunshine, that I always forget to pack my umbrella. Thanks sis!
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