Feeling Discouraged

 Down, but not out.

Sad and discouraged, but not depressed.

Defeated, but not a victim.

I still have some things to look forward to.

1. Visiting my son in a few weeks.

2. I have a job interview on Tuesday.

3. Going to the Bahamas in a few weeks.

I left a good job with the City of Missouri City. Working for the man every night and day. It was a decent job with decent pay and benefits. Something about it just didn't sit right with my soul. It started getting to the point of dread and boredom. I couldn't fight the feeling all over my body and in my spirit to leave. So I didn't fight it. But after I got my last paycheck, I felt an immediate sense of doom. Felt the dark cloud of broke and financial storms settling over my head. My husband hasn't worked in months. We have no money saved up. Rent is due in 4 days. He just started working with an amazing company, but back child support of six children is going to make that check very short. 

I haven't been able to close a good sale. I haven't been able to land any new clients. I'm not at peace within myself. I'm not happy. I know I need to rebuild myself, by myself. I know I want to spend more time with my kid. So what's the plan to get there? 

I have no idea.

The job interview is with Statefarm insurance. But what if I fail? What if I don't get any clients? What if I'm no good at selling insurance? The high is going to wear off after I get my license. Then what? What do I want to do?

I want to get paid to speak. Reading scripts, doing voiceovers, workshops, teaching, but not in a school district. Again, I find myself lost in the sauce. I just need a little help and guidance. What am I supposed to do to get closer to my dreams?

I wish I had an agent or a manager to map this shit out for me because clearly I can't do it on my own.

I'm not an entrepreneur. I don't have discipline. I can't do this on my own. I'm just not strong enough and not smart enough. I can't do it. I've tried. I can't. 

I just have to find a job that I like I guess. I'm just not sure anymore.

I'm tired. Tired of not knowing. Tired of trying. Tired of failing. Just tired.

What happened to the days when I was about to get my tv show? What happened to the days when I was traveling and making thousands speaking? What am I aiming for now? Who am I supposed to be? I used to have these big dreams but now I'm just lost in the sauce. I'm so lost and stuck and lost.

Should I just start over from zero? Move back to Cleveland and just start from the beginning?

My son needs both his parents for middle school. That's a tough time.