Falling Again

 Remember that Aquarian man I told y'all about named T? Well, its been almost a month since we met, and the chemistry has only grown stronger. We've been in contact everyday since the first day we met. The movie is over, yet we are still communicating with each other daily. When I tell you the attraction is almost deadly, I truly mean it. I cannot seem to get this man off of my my mind. I just want him around 24/7. It feels like a spell. Like voodoo. Like an unrealistic fantasy or dream.

Every time we are together it's so sensual, so ethereal that it feels like it never happened after it's done. It's like a high. It feels so unreal that I need another hit to feel the fantasy again and again. I literally cannot get enough of this man. And the kicker is, he is reciprocating my energy! He feels the same attraction to me as I do to him!

It is crazy. It was unexpected. It is natural. It is spicy. It is like being a teenager again. We've made love more times than the law should allow. Each time its like I'm in another world. He takes me to places I've never been and I like it! I don't want to stop I don't want it to end! I am officially addicted to everything about him. It's almost scary how people come into your life and shift your emotions all of a sudden.

I seriously didn't see this one coming at all. It came completely out of left field. But it's like I was ready.

What scares me the most is doing too much and scaring him off. Thats what happened with the Cancer man. So oftentimes, I'm suppressing my true feelings because they are so strong...

He is not my boyfriend. I am not his girlfriend. There are no titles, no obligations and no expectations. That scares me also. Like, why would you not want to solidify what we have? Well, he told me that right now he feels insecure because he can't give me the things I deserve. He also possibly still has feelings for his kids' mom. He also is enjoying his freedom and his space at this point in his life. I know all of these things. Yet, I still decided to dive in deeply.

Now that I've found my self swimming in the middle of his ocean with no land in sight, I am having regrets. We both said we didn't want this to turn into a situationship, but that's exactly what happened. Unfortunately, I'm not ok with it. It's not what I want. But that's what happens when you do things out of order. Never again will I pressure a man into a relationship. I don't have to put all of my eggs in one basket. This time around it's going to be different. I will fall back and let nature run its course.

No more forcing. No more acting out of desperation. I envisioned myself as the character Wolverine when I think about how aggressively I approach the men that I like. I'm removing my claws from this one. I am strong and I can do hard things. He didn't even text me goodnight last night. 

He still watches my IG stories daily though lol...

I'm proud of myself for falling back this time. It's unhealthy for me to chase men. That's not how it goes. I shouldn't have to. I should not be the one initiating everything every time. So, I'm not going to. I chose to stop in the middle of my pursuit of him and turn the other way. If he chooses to chase me now, I'll know his true intentions. If he doesn't, I'll know his true intentions. I don't regret our time together. It was beautiful. But I'll keep yielding the same results if I continue to do the same things.

I'm not even sure if I should communicate this to him. I feel like he won't really care either way. That's what happens when you put yourself out there all willy nilly. You have to live with the results and outcomes of your decisions. I'm cool with it. I fell too fast too soon. But I will recover this fumble. It's not the end of the world. I caught myself before I went down that same rabbit hole in the middle of lovers lane.