St. Tropez

"Roll up and smoke my sins away, I'd like to go to St. Tropez. Maybe I'll go maybe I'll stay... She asked me if I'm scared to fly, to tell the truth I'm terrified. I've never been that high before..."
-J Cole St. Tropez 2014 Forest Hills Drive Album

Any person who hopped into my 2015 Hyundai Elantra rental car last year knows that I was addicted to J Cole's third album, "2014 Forest Hills Drive". That's the only CD that was allowed inside of my rental car. My favorite songs from the album were Apparently, G.O.M.D., and my number one favorite song St. Tropez.

I listened to the live album for the first time this morning. I swear I felt like I was right there in the front row of the concert singing along with J. Cole and the other thousands of screaming fans. As I listened to his voice, I remembered being in that Hyundai blasting his music. I began to think of how therapeutic his music was during the worst time of my life. I reflected on seeing my reflection in the rear view mirror, as I loudly recited the lyrics with J as I drove up 271 headed to work my shift at Choolaah.

As I'm writing this blog post, I have St. Tropez on repeat in my earbuds. There's a line in the song where he says,

"I wanted more but that was before Lord knows I'm torn so I... I  cry, from the corner of my eyes, baby it's been hard for me to smile, lately it's been hard for to smile, lately it's been hard for me to smile. Lately it's been hard for me to smile..."

During the times I blasted J. Cole's tunes, Lord knows it was hard for me to smile too. So I escaped and took refuge in between the lines and notes of that song. I softly laid my head on the strings played in the instrumental part of St. Tropez. The horns held me tightly, and the drums eased my ails. Whenever I play this song, I'm mentally grabbing my passport and heading to the warm island with just a suitcase, a margarita, and J. Cole himself. 

The project was released on December 9, 2014. Perfect timing. I played that CD nonstop from December of 2014 until I gave the rental back to Enterprise in February of 2015. J. Cole and I rocked out together the day I moved out of the condo I shared with my ex husband in Streetsboro. We celebrated together when I got hired at Choolaah. We laughed together when I placed Mel and Mike in songs that reminded me of them. We cried together when my son was admitted to University Hospital for his second and third brain surgeries. I even quoted the first few lines of the intro song from Forest Hills when I gave the biggest speech of my life last May.

He said, "Do you wanna, do you wanna be... happy? Do you wanna, do you wanna be...free?"

Yes. 

I wanted to be happy and free. As happy and as free as a woman in her twenties, newly divorced, speeding up the highway in a rental car, after her income tax refund was deposited into her checking account. 

That kind of happy and free.

The way music transcends through our entire being is inexplicable. At times I seriously felt that J. Cole had made St. Tropez  just for me. Some nights I'd jump in my rental and drive to nowhere, just so that J. Cole could sing to me. 

Through undoubtedly the roughest period of my life, God gave me J. Cole's music in addition to family, friends, and therapy. 

Thanks J.Cole. I'd too one day like to go to St. Tropez.