The Great Depression
It's good to be depressed. Being "strong" all the time is unnatural. Holding back tears, forcing smiles and continuing to move about life as if my son isn't recovering from two brain surgeries, and currently losing his hair from radiation, is not regular. Trying to live a "normal" life after just getting divorced last month is fairly impossible. Going from zero responsibility financially to becoming the head of household is a huge shift alone. I was totally dependent upon my ex husband, and I'm sure he was content with that. Yet, now that I'm "on my own" it is definitely a new struggle. My car was totaled back in December and for whatever reason my husband didn't buy me a new one. Now I have to ask for rides, rent cars (complete waste of money), or take the bus or a taxi. The things we take for granted...
This past Friday I'd just about had it with my life. After my son went to spend the weekend with his father, I literally broke down on my uncomfortable couch in my tiny apartment. The bottle of wine that I finished helped me release ALL the built up emotions that I'd suppressed for the last 9 months. There's something special about that 9 month time frame. It was like my water broke as the tears poured from my red swollen eyes. I cried out to God asking Him why. Why did my baby have to go through so much? He was perfect before August 17, 2014. Then cancer... WHY??? I screamed and gripped whatever I could get my hands on as if I were experiencing sharp labor pains. I yelled to the heavens imploring to the Lord to PLEASE not let the tumor grow back. I pushed the pain out. I didn't care who was listening. I didn't care what else was going on in the world, I just had to get this thing out of me!
After about 6 hours of wailing and crying and screaming, the painful process was finally over. It felt so amazing to have finally let it all go. Seeing my child go through all of these procedures is heart wrenching. Never in a million lifetimes could I have imagined my little bundle of joy going through the discomfort that the tumor was causing. Then having emergency brain surgery. In just 6 months he'd go through another surgery, then just 3 days later another brain surgery. This kid is 2 years old. He should be playing and running and laughing, not stuck in the bed of the PICU with a drain coming from his brain. It's surreal having seen my son hooked up to so many tubes, getting poked and prodded like some science experiment. I literally saw his brain fluid flowing into a bag, day after day after day. How do you get used to something like that?
I have to watch my child get sedated every single day. With the same drug that Michael Jackson overdosed on, Propofol. 30 treatments of radiation. 30 random doses of Propofol. What the hell is this drug doing to my son? What are the long term effects of radiation? Is this some type of experimentation? What the hell is radiation anyway? Yes the hair will grow back, but let's see the look on your face if your toddler started losing more and more hair everyday until he was damn near bald from ear to ear.
I love my son more than anyone or anything, and seeing him go through this is killing me.
But this miracle child is still playing and running and laughing. He doesn't seem to be affected by any of this. He isn't sickly, he's not on any medication, no nausea, no headaches. He's in great spirits everyday, no speech impediments, no issues with his sight and vision, and he's still smart and advanced for his age. I don't see any differences in his learning abilities or motor skills, and he's really doing super awesome through it all. He's so resilient. He's good.
But as his mother I feel responsible, I feel guilty, I feel like somehow it's my fault. Is he paying the price for my past mistakes? Is he going through this because in my past I hurt people, lied, cheated, and was self serving? Why my son? Science has no answer. Religion has no answer. I did everything I possibly could to keep him safe, happy and healthy.
No matter what life brings I must keep living. I'll never give in. It's a fight and a battle every single day, but for some reason I see better days in the future. My son probably won't have a "normal" life like other kids, but he'll have more confidence, more knowledge and more strength than most. As long as he stays strong, so will I. There's nothing wrong with having a bad day. Temporary depression was a release for me. But the way my faith is set up, I will never stay down for long. The bible says weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Good morning.
This past Friday I'd just about had it with my life. After my son went to spend the weekend with his father, I literally broke down on my uncomfortable couch in my tiny apartment. The bottle of wine that I finished helped me release ALL the built up emotions that I'd suppressed for the last 9 months. There's something special about that 9 month time frame. It was like my water broke as the tears poured from my red swollen eyes. I cried out to God asking Him why. Why did my baby have to go through so much? He was perfect before August 17, 2014. Then cancer... WHY??? I screamed and gripped whatever I could get my hands on as if I were experiencing sharp labor pains. I yelled to the heavens imploring to the Lord to PLEASE not let the tumor grow back. I pushed the pain out. I didn't care who was listening. I didn't care what else was going on in the world, I just had to get this thing out of me!
After about 6 hours of wailing and crying and screaming, the painful process was finally over. It felt so amazing to have finally let it all go. Seeing my child go through all of these procedures is heart wrenching. Never in a million lifetimes could I have imagined my little bundle of joy going through the discomfort that the tumor was causing. Then having emergency brain surgery. In just 6 months he'd go through another surgery, then just 3 days later another brain surgery. This kid is 2 years old. He should be playing and running and laughing, not stuck in the bed of the PICU with a drain coming from his brain. It's surreal having seen my son hooked up to so many tubes, getting poked and prodded like some science experiment. I literally saw his brain fluid flowing into a bag, day after day after day. How do you get used to something like that?
I have to watch my child get sedated every single day. With the same drug that Michael Jackson overdosed on, Propofol. 30 treatments of radiation. 30 random doses of Propofol. What the hell is this drug doing to my son? What are the long term effects of radiation? Is this some type of experimentation? What the hell is radiation anyway? Yes the hair will grow back, but let's see the look on your face if your toddler started losing more and more hair everyday until he was damn near bald from ear to ear.
I love my son more than anyone or anything, and seeing him go through this is killing me.
But this miracle child is still playing and running and laughing. He doesn't seem to be affected by any of this. He isn't sickly, he's not on any medication, no nausea, no headaches. He's in great spirits everyday, no speech impediments, no issues with his sight and vision, and he's still smart and advanced for his age. I don't see any differences in his learning abilities or motor skills, and he's really doing super awesome through it all. He's so resilient. He's good.
But as his mother I feel responsible, I feel guilty, I feel like somehow it's my fault. Is he paying the price for my past mistakes? Is he going through this because in my past I hurt people, lied, cheated, and was self serving? Why my son? Science has no answer. Religion has no answer. I did everything I possibly could to keep him safe, happy and healthy.
No matter what life brings I must keep living. I'll never give in. It's a fight and a battle every single day, but for some reason I see better days in the future. My son probably won't have a "normal" life like other kids, but he'll have more confidence, more knowledge and more strength than most. As long as he stays strong, so will I. There's nothing wrong with having a bad day. Temporary depression was a release for me. But the way my faith is set up, I will never stay down for long. The bible says weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Good morning.
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