Stress Test
I used to think midterms were a joke. When I would hear college students talking about how stressed out they were around midterms and finals I would think to myself, "Really? How could you be so stressed over a stupid test?" I totally get it now. Since I'll be graduating in May God willing, everything counts. Every assignment, every test, every missed assignment, every journal entry, homework, projects and even attendance, it all counts. I've never felt this much pressure in my life, not even before I gave birth to my son. It seems like now that I'm "back to normal" I've become so weak in certain areas that I was superhuman in while being pregnant and right after I gave birth. I swear I felt untouchable, unstoppable and inexhaustibly empowered during those first 22 months with my son. I felt like there was nothing in the Universe that could stop me from doing ANYTHING!! But I feel my powers slowly fading away, like Wolverine when Venom placed the mechanism in his heart. I'm just not bouncing back the way I used to. I find myself feeling overwhelmed with stress and anxiety at times, over the smallest things. But there was a time in my pregnancy where many things were going wrong, yet for the sake of my unborn child I held it together, kept my sanity and kept my peace for the greater good of my child... Now I feel things like fear, anger, guilt, and regret. These are feelings from the lower self, an area within me that I am not used to operating from. IDK, I guess it's just my emotions back in full swing, I am almost 22 months post partum, 9 months since I last breastfed...
It's crazy how sometimes we can be our own worse enemy, our own biggest critic, and be so hard on ourselves. Only a crazy person would let herself stress herself out right? I guess what I fear most is life after graduation. It's like what do you do after you finally accomplish one of your life long goals? I've been in and out of college for almost 10 years, and it's finally coming to an end. So what now? What if I can't find a job? This is my last shot at finally becoming an "adult" in society. I'm 27, I have no more crutches, and I've run out of get out of jail free cards aka living with parents. This is my big leap from girl to woman and there is no turning back. I fear what's on the other side of this unknown road. I fear failing. I fear letting down my self and my son.
I feel the fear but it won't stop me. I've had a great college career thus far, what with making the Dean's List twice, getting straight A's for consecutive semesters and finally following through with something. This is a decision I made on my own 2 years ago, and now I'm practically staring my degree, my future, right in the eye depending on whether I pass all my classes this semester. That's a lot of pressure.
But, I know I can do it, and with God's help I will. I can't wait to get this over with. Breathe, meditate, focus, DO IT!!
It's crazy how sometimes we can be our own worse enemy, our own biggest critic, and be so hard on ourselves. Only a crazy person would let herself stress herself out right? I guess what I fear most is life after graduation. It's like what do you do after you finally accomplish one of your life long goals? I've been in and out of college for almost 10 years, and it's finally coming to an end. So what now? What if I can't find a job? This is my last shot at finally becoming an "adult" in society. I'm 27, I have no more crutches, and I've run out of get out of jail free cards aka living with parents. This is my big leap from girl to woman and there is no turning back. I fear what's on the other side of this unknown road. I fear failing. I fear letting down my self and my son.
I feel the fear but it won't stop me. I've had a great college career thus far, what with making the Dean's List twice, getting straight A's for consecutive semesters and finally following through with something. This is a decision I made on my own 2 years ago, and now I'm practically staring my degree, my future, right in the eye depending on whether I pass all my classes this semester. That's a lot of pressure.
But, I know I can do it, and with God's help I will. I can't wait to get this over with. Breathe, meditate, focus, DO IT!!
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