Thoughts of Love

Hello! Thanks for reading another blog post from me, the Ladybug Speaker! If you haven't already watched any of my YouTube videos, feel free to check out my page! Here's the link:
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I can't lie.. I love being in love. I remember being a teenager and thinking I was grown because I was in a relationship. I recall acting out the behaviors and characteristics of the relationships I grew up observing. I seriously thought that dysfunction and abuse were the components of a normal and healthy relationship.

Yes I'd seen married couples before, but they were miserable. Most of the time the families were blended, and the marriage was in the best interest of the adults and not the children. I never had the ins and outs of marriage broken down to me as a child. I always knew marriage was special, but in my family is wasn't valued much. Divorce was the norm. Yet, I always wanted to feel what I thought I was missing out on, even though I didn't know the first thing about marriage. When I finally witnessed a God ordained union, it was astounding.

The first married couple I saw interact in a supernatural way was The McKinneys. My cousin and her husband seemed so different and surreal. They'd met in college, got married after graduating, and built a fairy tale lifestyle together. For many years I believed that I wasn't god enough or smart enough to have what they had. 

Once I matured a bit more, and spent quality time with married couples, I arrogantly convinced myself that I finally knew the meaning of love and marriage. With my self image raised, and a little education under my belt, I decided that it was my time to be married. And so, as many of you know, I got married. I got married, but I wasn't ready to be a wife. I loved flaunting my ring, and posting pictures of me and my husband on social media. I thought I had arrived. I thought I had finally made it to the big leagues. I was in the married club! Me of all people! Ha! In your face past Ramona! I really believed that I had proven myself worthy. My ego was beaming, but my soul was ashamed. 

Sometimes it didn't even feel right calling him "my husband." It tasted sour sitting on my tongue, and it burned like lemon juice on a fresh cut when leaving my mouth. This man was not my husband, and I was not his wife. We were simply two married people. Thankfully, we didn't force it or fight it. We knew it wasn't meant to be and we dissolved the temporary fantasy.

Still, I love being in love. The smiles, the gifts, the warm and fuzzy feelings all make me happy. I love having someone to call and text and date. I love knowing someone is thinking about me 24/7. I even love the drama it brings. (That comes from dysfunction growing up, but it's the truth.) Sometimes I like to argue, yell, and send hateful text messages. Sometimes I like being jealous and feeling the flames of envy rise in the pit of my stomach. It's strange, but I acknowledge it. Knowing these things about myself helps me understand where I am, and where I need to be. Where I don't need to be is in a relationship.

I've said that time and time again, then find myself in an unhealthy relationship within days of quoting myself. Thankfully, I'm in a space right now where even if I wanted to be in a relationship, it would never work. Either I'd have to quit school and let go of my dreams, or my significant other would eventually dump me because of my full schedule. This is the busiest, most structured, and organized that I've ever been in my life. And although it's sad to say, no man is worth ruining what I have going on for myself right now.

However, I'll still date, converse, text, hang out and flirt. I'll still have crushes, develop feelings, and experience heart breaks. I'm fine with that. Love will always be on my mind. It simply shifts its position on my priority list...