DEAD Beat Dad Part II

Does anyone really know what death is like if one has never experienced it? I've heard of some people seeing a bright light, or seeing loved ones, or hearing a strong voice. Is death or life after dependent upon one's beliefs? Does it hurt? Can you feel it? Is it light or dark? Is there a wait, for judgment day? Is there a wait in line to the pearly gates? Is it peaceful? What does it smell like? Are you alone? When will it come?

My father is dying of liver cancer. Every day he slowly withers away. He's thin, fragile and weak. He doesn't have an appetite, and he's constantly nauseous. He's in excruciating pain and he has to have morphine every few hours to control his pain. His liver has failed, and it's only a matter of time before his other organs begin shutting down too. It's very sad to see him in this condition.

I find myself wrestling with emotion. On one hand, I know that my father lived a life of freedom. Like Frank Sinatra, he did it his way. He wasn't the perfect husband or father, and he had some battles with addiction. Logically, he and anyone close to him knew this day would come eventually. So some days I feel like this is what he deserves.

On the other hand, he's a human. He's my father. I love him. I don't want to see him suffering and in misery. Some days I cry and feel sad. In this case, there is no, "Why me?" It is simply when. When will he transition? When will I receive that phone call saying he's gone. When will I come to terms with the death of a parent?

I wonder what is going through his mind these days? What happens to your spirit and soul when you are at the end of your mortality? Do you think of all the things you could've done but never did? Does your soul scream out for peace? Can you see the other side? How does one mentally prepare for death? What actually dies during death? Is it all just over? Is reincarnation real? Does life end at death or is it just the death of the physical body?

I can't judge my father for his past mistakes or short comings. I understand that we all have our own individual paths in life. I know that everything happens for a reason and that everyone is hear for a purpose. Each and every action has an affect on something else. Everything is in divine order. I'm certain that I wouldn't have good looks or unparalleled strength had it not been for my father. I dare not disrespect him on his death bed.

 So while I still have time, I'll forgive everything I was upset with and give him my love for the remainder of the time we have together.