Side Chicks

Fellas, a word of advice, never date a woman with a blog...

I decided to let my guard down and date this guy.  He's a nice guy, a sweet guy. He's generous, he's a church going man, and a great father to his child. He's respectful, spontaneous, family-oriented and fun. He was like a homie-lover-friend. On May 9th, just eleven days ago I said what the heck, let's "go together," after he'd asked me several times to be his girlfriend. Little did I know, May 9th was the beginning of the end.

In some of our previous conversations we'd talk about our exes. I would tell him about my marriage and divorce, and he'd tell me about his child's mother and some of his ex girlfriends. He had mentioned one female, I'll call her 'Tasha,' once or twice but never made it seem like she was anything special. He told me he was her first, and that she had stuck around without a title for over twelve years. He said they tried to be in a relationship but it never worked because she was boring. 

He said she stayed around when he started new relationships with other women, and she still held him down after he "had a baby on her." Whenever he would enter a new relationship, Tasha would basically be waiting in the wind until he broke up with the new girl and came running back to her. Also, she had done nice things for him like putting his car in her name, giving him money and coming to family events. Though she never had a title, she stayed by his side for almost half of her life. She was the down chick, the loyal chick, but still a side chick.

When hearing this story, I never attached it to a specific time frame. I figured it was years ago when they were still teenagers or in their early twenties. His child is six years old. So I didn't think that while he was telling me about her several months ago, that the stories were in present tense. He never showed any signs of having another woman. We spent practically everyday together for the past few weeks. When we weren't together we were texting, on Tango or talking on the phone. There were no late night calls or text messages. There were no pictures of them together on social media. His friends and family never mentioned anything about her when I was around them. Yet and still I may have ignored some signs.

The car he currently has used to be in her name, I saw the old title one day when he let me borrow his car. He hadn't had the car for a year. Secondly, he told me a story about his child's mother getting into a fight with Tasha one night. Lastly, during one of our recent conversations he boasted that he was flattered about the fact that after all he had put Tasha through, she still didn't want anyone but him. On May 9th, I thought he was going to be my boyfriend, but to my surprise, he was still seeing Tasha.

I was under the impression that they remained casual friends, maybe texting "Hi, how are you" every other month. Boy was I wrong. After we agreed to be in a courtship he said he would tell Tasha so she wouldn't contact him anymore. The next day, I asked him if he'd talked to her, and what he said next sent my spidey senses into overdrive.

He told her that he and I were "pursuing a relationship." He didn't say in a relationship, or that we verbally agreed that we were an item. He said "pursuing a relationship." He said he tried to tell her the whole story but she began to sob hysterically, so he stopped in order to spare her feelings. He said he would gradually let her go.....

Hmmmm... I must have IDIOT, DUMMY, THIRSTY, DESPERATE & STUPID written across my forehead. Do you really think I'm going to be with a man who still has feelings and ties to another woman? No way Jose. I don't need to be in a relationship, I just got divorced. I don't need a man to occupy my time, and I don't need a man to feel special. What I need to be doing is saving up for a car and finishing my Bachelor's degree. I deserve a man who is all in. I deserve a man who is giving me all of him in exchange for all of me.

Unlike Tasha, I'm no one's side chick. And yes, you ARE a side chick because you've invested 12 years of your life into a man who will never give you a title and a commitment. I was petty, and inboxed her a video of what Tony Gaskins Jr. had to say about side chicks. She was offended, and defended herself by saying that side chicks don't spend time with family and friends, spend time with his child and celebrate holidays together. 

NEWSFLASH Tasha boo, yes they do. They do all the things a wife or girlfriend does but they aren't the trophy. They don't receive the acknowledgement or the appreciation that comes with the title. She also made it clear that she stills talks to him and spends time with him to this day. She confirmed my suspicions. I finalized the conversation by wishing them both the best of luck.

Now, the old me would give dude another chance, hoping and trusting that eventually he'll get rid of Tasha. The new self-loving, aware, mature me is done. I'm not answering calls or texts. I've blocked him on Facebook and IG, and deleted all evidence that he ever existed. I'm not dealing with this nonsense. I know that when the time is right, the right man for me will show up. I also know that although going on dates is fine, I'm in no way ready to be any one's girlfriend right now.

The fact that I actually believe that I deserve better is so liberating. I truly desire something real and genuine. I'm fine with being single, even if it does mean being alone, not hearing my phone go off for hours, and not having someone to go out with. I'm seriously OK with cutting this guy off. In the past I'm telling you I know I would have taken him back after he promised me he would never see her again. But inevitably, I know a few months later I'd find out that they were still messing around, but by then I'd be so invested that it would be even harder to let him go. 

HA! No more drama, no more settling. I'd rather be single and endure some lonely nights, than be with a man who is disrespecting me, lying to me in my face, and most likely sleeping with a woman on the side. I'm not even mad at ol' dude. People are only human, we all make mistakes. I've learned that you acquire what you require, and that people treat you how you allow them to treat you. This is mother queen territory, and I won't be mistreated by any one. There are hundreds of thousands of good men out here, I'm not wasting anytime with one who can't make up his mind.

DEUCES!!!